Loneliness -370 days
dear diary,
why did i ever leave malaysia? that question often haunts me every night when i'm sitting here at my table in my room in the land of the aussies. Maybe its because i miss my girlfriend. Maybe its because i haven't seen her face or talked to her in 4 weeks. maybe its because i can't be myself like when i was in my own home. i miss everything from the smell of my room to the hot weather in malaysia. life's just not the same here. here i'm the foreigner. i get stared at. ppl are extra nice but extra cautious as well. they look at you differently like you are not up to their standard. i constantly feel the need to prove myself. its always hard moving to a new place. different environment requires adapting to it and i'm not really good at adapting. somehow since i've been here, i feel like my relationship with my girlfriend has drifted apart. i still miss her a lot. but i get the feeling that its not vice versa. maybe its true. long distance relationship really doesn't work. or maybe its just me. my love life has been a constant struggle. u can actually see a similiar pattern from the courting days to the day it all falls apart. ask any of my ex and they will tell you that i'm the bad guy. i don't cheat on them or anything like that but its like i somehow always end up hurting their feelings someway or another. i feel tears swell up in my eyes and yet none rolls down. its the emotions all bottled up inside waiting to burst out but somehow controlled by the traits of the Y cromosom which refuses to awknowledge tears. i promised myself that i'd rather myself get hurt then to hurt other ppl and i hope i can keep that promise. staring blankly at the screen, i wished for a moment that i could turn back time. turn it all the way back to that significant day when i decided to take that chance. It's time to spread ur wings i thought to myself at that time. oh how i wish i could kick my ass the minute i said yes. oh how i wish i said the opposite and just stayed home and avoid all this heartbreaking loneliness. but... whats done is done. i have to make the best of it. you ever get that tingling feeling and the hair on ur arms and back stands up? every morning i get up wondering whether i did the right thing coming here. do i sound depressed? yeah i guess i do. heh but not to worry, i'm not stupid. i want to sleep but the thought of tomorrow having to go through the same stuff keeps me awake.
why did i ever leave malaysia? that question often haunts me every night when i'm sitting here at my table in my room in the land of the aussies. Maybe its because i miss my girlfriend. Maybe its because i haven't seen her face or talked to her in 4 weeks. maybe its because i can't be myself like when i was in my own home. i miss everything from the smell of my room to the hot weather in malaysia. life's just not the same here. here i'm the foreigner. i get stared at. ppl are extra nice but extra cautious as well. they look at you differently like you are not up to their standard. i constantly feel the need to prove myself. its always hard moving to a new place. different environment requires adapting to it and i'm not really good at adapting. somehow since i've been here, i feel like my relationship with my girlfriend has drifted apart. i still miss her a lot. but i get the feeling that its not vice versa. maybe its true. long distance relationship really doesn't work. or maybe its just me. my love life has been a constant struggle. u can actually see a similiar pattern from the courting days to the day it all falls apart. ask any of my ex and they will tell you that i'm the bad guy. i don't cheat on them or anything like that but its like i somehow always end up hurting their feelings someway or another. i feel tears swell up in my eyes and yet none rolls down. its the emotions all bottled up inside waiting to burst out but somehow controlled by the traits of the Y cromosom which refuses to awknowledge tears. i promised myself that i'd rather myself get hurt then to hurt other ppl and i hope i can keep that promise. staring blankly at the screen, i wished for a moment that i could turn back time. turn it all the way back to that significant day when i decided to take that chance. It's time to spread ur wings i thought to myself at that time. oh how i wish i could kick my ass the minute i said yes. oh how i wish i said the opposite and just stayed home and avoid all this heartbreaking loneliness. but... whats done is done. i have to make the best of it. you ever get that tingling feeling and the hair on ur arms and back stands up? every morning i get up wondering whether i did the right thing coming here. do i sound depressed? yeah i guess i do. heh but not to worry, i'm not stupid. i want to sleep but the thought of tomorrow having to go through the same stuff keeps me awake.
posted by B@rt | 2:51 PM
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