phew....

... the most hectic two weeks of my life has finally come to an end. 3 assignments and 2 presentations in two weeks.... not bad huh? well i think i'll take a break from the long essays that i write for this blog hehe... and just write that i'm glad the assignments are over... exams... BRING IT ON!

Life defining moments

looking out my window just gives me inspiration. its like the window to the outside world where everything is happening while i'm seating here where time stands still. have you ever had those life defining moments? the ones where you were extremely happy and nothing else comes to ur mind but just that moment of happiness. or the one where you were so sad that you felt that everybody and everything in the whole wide world is against you. when that split second decision determined the course of your life today? and then there are the ones that escaped you. the ones where you wanted to do something about but didn't have the guts to do it. i'm sure everybody has experienced this before. now since this is my blog, you're going to have to listen to my stories. :) there are so many that i can remember and to tell them all in detail would take days. but since i have time, in spite of my assignments, i think this will be the topic of my next few blogs. so lets start with one of the most happiest moments in my life. i was in form 2 or form 4 at the time and my friends and i were in a football competition between classes. as our class were the science class, we were considered the "smart class" (i'm trying to be modest) so as like many science classes, there were many nerds including me and few talented sportsmen excluding me. hehe... so we were playing the arts class and this particular class were perhaps the most notorious class in the school and they had the most number of school team players in their class. you know God is pretty fair, if you have brains you don't have brawns, and vice versa. so here we were standing on the field with 11 of the most buffly dudes in the whole form looking at us puny nerds with a smirk that says that they're going to wipe the floor clean with us. if you've played any competition, you would know that there is no such thing as a "friendly" and you might think that this is just a simple game of ball kicking but it meant the world to us as well as our opponents and there was no holding back. so we went at it with all that we've got. going in to the tackles with no second thoughts. getting up immediately to chase after the ball even after the most crunching tackles. now that is a game of football unlike what we see on TV nowadays. our opponents were taken by surprised as we scored the first goal of the game. i don't really remember how we scored that goal but it made our opponents move up a gear. our players were taken down one after another but luckly non was seriously injured. with all the barrage we soon succumbed and conceded a goal. 1-1 the score read and time was running out. if we went into penalties it would mean that we would certainly lose as our unfortunate goalie was a small bloke and we didn't want him to be the target of balls fired from those big thighs. so we pushed on. now here comes one of my best memories, one that has been with me ever since that significant day when David met Goliath. i got the ball from midfield and played a sweet one two passing right through the defence and there i was running with the ball with only the goalkeeper between me and the goal. now i can still remember this goal keeper because he was the size of a gorilla and looked like one. with the defence right behind me and the keeper running towards me i felt like a piece of cheese in between 2 big brown breads. just a couple of feet away the keeper slid in for a tackle with his legs spread out wide to block the ball. and just as he did it, i shot the ball. the ball went right through his legs, under his body and into the awaiting goal. if u asked me whether i planned the shot before hand i would say no. it was that split second decision. as the ball went in the keeper took me down and i didn't had the chance to see it cross the line. but as i got up i heard the wild screams of my team mates and with a dazed but triumphant look i raised a fist in the air. as i was engulfed by my team mates no thoughts came to my mind only the delirious happiness that a kid experiences when he scores the most important goal in his life to date. the delirious happiness of a kid who for a moment was the king of the world. that moment still haunts me till this day as now other goal can compare to that and thus every goal i've scored since then has left me emotionless. if that is the price to pay for scoring that goal, i would happily pay it. anyway it makes me look cool when i walk away after scoring a goal. :) so here is today's life lesson, life is like being a striker in a football game. you shoot at the goal many times during the course of the game and sometimes u score and sometimes u don't but you have to just keep trying because thats what you're here for. i guess it means that in life you make important, life changing decisions all the time and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. but you can't shy away from it cos its your life and what your life is tomorrow is the result of your decisions today.

rollercoaster from hell

been kinda busy this past few days. wanted to write something that happened to me on Saturday but couldn't find the time <-- excuse :p anyway i went to the perth royal show and was rather surprised at the turn out even though it was 6pm in the evening. yalah somebody took their own sweet time... anyway what surprised me even more was that it was so lively even though it was 15 degrees! i was shivering my ass off cos i "accidently" wore 3/4 pants. so first we went to the haunted mansion and the ride was as pathetic as the "mansion". in the middle of laughing at the super fake patung of teradactel (haha.... i dunno how to spell mah), mummies and so on, this dude suddenly said boo and nearly made me jump. recovering immediately i tried taking his picture with my digicam but my flash was too slow. wasted. i nearly got my revenge by blinding him with my flash but looks like it will only happen in my dreams. Unless... next year i fly back to perth from malaysia and i sit the same ride. this time i'll be ready for him... so after wasting money playing carnival games which makes u think is easy but its actually not... a friend who's crazy about rollercoaster dragged me up the mother of all rollercoaster. Now a little history lesson before we continue... i don't like rollercoasters. u might think i'm chicken but some people just can't take it k. so this rollercoaster right... is called "Ranger" which i have no idea why. it should be called the death machine from hell or something like that to warn innocent, unknowing ppl like me that this ride is for the extremist. yeah i'm talking about terrorist. i got on the ride and it started alright. it reminded me of a giant swing going front and then swinging back. i was ok... then it started climbing and i started going upside down. i was like oh my God... i was clinging on to the railing for dear life... my bum practically lifted off the seat. teeth gritted together tighter, I couldn't utter a word cos it was that frightening. i was also worrying about my handphone which was in my pocket dropping few hundred feet to the fall to BERKECAI into millions of pieces. so i had 1 hand on the railing and 1 hand on my pants... hmm.... anyway now there two girls sitting in front of me and they were chatting away about somebody's boyfriend while this was all happening. even when we were upside down! i'm like what's the matter u? u're suppose to be afraid? u suppose to be cliinging on to each other screaming ur lungs out pleading to stop this bloody damn thing. and then when a moan escaped my lips, u had the nerve to look back at me like i was.... well u know... so here i was suspended in mid air with my head pointing straight to the ground wishing with all my might that something will bring an end to this ride or to me when finally the motor of the machine whines down... when i got off i said to myself that i'm never going to get on that ride again even if you had to drag my dead corpse up. even then my soul will come back from the dead and i will kick whoever it is in where it hurts. i was ok for awhile.... and stood with my friends and then i started to sweat... thats when i knew what was coming. i ran to the back and proceeded to puke my dinner of chicken sandwich onto the grass. brr... my hair stands and my stomach clenches just thinking about it. so what have i learned from this incident? its that life is like a rollercoaster. Sometimes you go up sometimes you go down soometimes you go upside down! but you always live through it and life goes on.

the moment

here i am sitting in front of my laptop on a saturday afternoon . listening to Jay Chou. the sun spills through my curtains making rainbows on the ceiling. staring out my window at the swaying trees and orange rooftops, i experience a moment of peace. its the same when you sit down on the grass in the middle of a field surrounded by tall trees and a lake shimmering in front of you. you get that feeling of serenity and peacefulness and that you're not the center of everything. the world doesn't revolve around you. you're just a small speck in this huge world and you feel ur problems become smaller. that huge 3000 word essay that is due the next day doesn't seem that big anymore. sitting out there with the warmth of the sun splashing on my face, a group of cute brown ducklings follow their mother to the lake you feel amazed by the simple yet complex things in life. It puts your life into perspective. u wonder why do u always feel stressed out or sad over the smallest matters and now looking at a duck with her ducklings u find urself wishing that u were one of the ducklings. ahh to be young again. protected under the wings of your mom. not a care in the world. don't we all wish we could go back in time and relive our childhood? looking up at the beautifl blue sky, a surge of emotions pushes u to the brink of tears. u r momentarily lost in the moment and all ur troubles are forgotten. there is only the moment. if everybody took a moment to just lie down in the middle of a green field, they would not have to see a psychologist because they would realise that they have been thinking of the small picture and not the big picture. that they have been seeing the world on a 14" tv with 1 channel and not a wide screen, high divinition TV with Foxtel or ASTRO. Life is like eating ur favourite food. there are times where we should just eat that chocolate and not think of the repercussions like getting fat cos life's too short to waste it on not doing the things that we like. i think i would like to go to the field now.

what the hell?!?!?

sigh...am i going crazy? i thought i was over her but when i stumbled ok maybe not stumbled into her friendster page and there was her picture with her new someone. funny cos when we were together i asked her why she didn't put our pic up and she said she was scared her cousin would see it... like what the hell? i'm bloody pissed off right now... hey i know u want to show off ur new bf to the whole world but could u have waited like for a month or even 1 week to do so... sigh... what happened to common decency... and she had the nerve to write me a testimonial which i have been begging her to do so since the start of the friendster craze. and its not even a decen testimonial, just some lines that look like 3 bears saying hope we can be friends or something like that. like yeah right. u know i used to be the one who say can we be friends after a break up but this time to hell with it. somehow this also makes me feel guilty. not towards her but towards another girl that i didn't well treat fairly when i rejected her. i think i know how she feels right now... really really pissed off. guess this is payback. seeing her pic makes me feel like getting back into the game but is that right to go after another just because my ex has a new guy? i'm sure its gonna be like a cycle and things will end up just like this relationship and someone will get hurt. hmm.... since i'm into the "life's like...." let me think of one for this situation. Life's like a wheel turning round and round. If you don't step on the brakes at the red light, it will just go on and u'll meet in an accident. do u get it? i sometimes don't get it myself...

Time for a change...

u know how when ppl break up they do crazy things like jumping off buildings or bridges, writing blogs (hehe), flying back to kl and kicking the guy's arse or immediately going on the rebound to minimize the hurt. well my ritual or tradition or whatever u call it is to get my hair cut really really short. this thing started in form 4 i guess when i had a crush on a girl only to find out later that my friend cut the queue and got her first. dunno what prompt me to get a hair cut... maybe it was also because the dicipline teacher had just cut my hair because it was over the permitted length. and i was a prefect! damn... anyway the first time i broke up, i had freakishly long hair which was longger than my face so i had to get a cut. after that it became a thing for me that everytime i break up i get a very short hair cut. i think its symbolic like cutting away the strands of the relationship. another thing that i do after break ups which i'm not proud off is that i sometimes go on the rebound. its not like i purposely do it but i think that thinking of another girl and pursuing her keeps my mind of the breakup. but i don't i will do it this time. i don't think i'm ready to get into another relationship so fast. i dunno why but the last time i rebounded it didn't work and i'm still thinking of the girl who dumped me after 4 days. now this is an interesting story which i still, for the life of me, till now, don't get it. i was just talking with my mother about this breakup and suddenly the conversation turned to buying condoms... hmmm... that was queer.... anyway i still get that feeling of loss. you know the feeling when u get when u lose something and u don't know u misplaced it. it bugs u and its depressing, no sad, no its like something is tugging at ur heart, when u know you'll never find that thing again. How do you forget something that you have loved for more than a year? How do you forget the good memories in you life? How do you forget? Well the answer is you don't. thats life. life's about losing things and finding new ones. that's what i tell myself... you can only wish that it doesn't happen too often... life can is like owning a dog. its fun when you throw the stick and it brings the stick back to u but u'll never know when it might turn around and bite u in the arse for throwing the stick too far. haha does that make sense?

Better this way

thats what i'm telling myself but is it really how i feel? i don't really know.... its a bit of relief and a bit of sadness. hey u can't blame me for being a little sad seeing we were together for more than a year. i was even planning on buying her something special for her birthday. guess that thought just flew out the window. well she said she's found another guy who treats her good, well as an ex, i'm happy for her but i'm also feeling a bit bitter. hey i can't place the whole blame on her even though this is my blog, but i should shoulder some of the blame. i'm was never a very good bf and i still believe i'm not. i think i'm not sensitive enough to a girl's needs and a bit too selfish. back home i have a little book which is kinda like my diary but its about my past relationships and the times when i feel sad. i think it helps me to release the stress inside and just put it into words and into the book. i think it helps me to forget the pain and the sadness. ppl say life has its ups and downs well i keep my ups in my head and my downs in my book. well this blog is becoming that book. cheers to all who's reading this... welcome to my dark world. hmm.... well that was pretty bitter. guess that comes after the shock... what's next? oh yeah the sleepness night and then moving on to greener pastures or in this case, to more beautiful women! haha i can't believe i'm writing this... guess i better get started hiding my old photos of her.

Is this the end?

4pm, i double clicked the yahoo messenger shortcut. It opened to a message that goes like this "i wanna tell u tat i wanna break up wif u....i think u know y.....coz i think that our attitude and thinking is not the same.....and i'm really suffering...i hope u undertand my feelings...anywya...hope u can still be fren wif me...reply me msg!!....". i was kinda shocked as i didn't expect this. usually there are signs of breakup like the usage of harsh words, screaming, things thrown around, tears, begging, answering machine and so on. but this one was so sudden that i'm still reeling from the shock. the first time i read it it didn't quite register. the second time i read it, questions started forming in my head like "how come i didn't see the signs?", "the last time we spoke, things were normal so where did this come from?", "SUFFERING? really?!?!" and the usual question that comes to mind "Is there someone new?" well it would seem that she has already made up her mind. i've only begged once in my life to a girl who is not my mother and i don't intend on doing that again. listening to my break up songs right now... i'm feeling really sad right now.... u know when u get that feeling where u chest swells up with emotion and your eyes start to become blurry. i'm not a crying type of guy but sometimes i wish i could release everything that is pent up inside. some how i think i kinda guessed this was coming what with me over here and her back home. guess she cracked first. anyhow, at least it was great while it lasted. wow josh groban's "She's out of my life" just came up on my speakers. just on time. so here i am waiting for her to come online to sort things out. to at least understand why....